Well, who would have thought I’d write my 200th post about going to an AA meeting, huh? I certainly didn’t. I must say I felt very nervous about going. I didn’t know what to expect, plus my depression had taken a serious toll on me for the past few days, and the urge to drink had become almost unbearable. Yet, I woke up this morning and told myself I had to go to a meeting and socialize. I need to find friends. I need to find people who are healthy and want to live positive lives without drugs or alcohol. I opened my meeting booklet and looked for a time and a place, and I went.
All I can say is that the experience was worth it. I know there’s a support system out there that will help me fight my alcoholism. Yes, I can say it, even if it still makes me cringe. My name is Johanna and I’m an alcoholic. My eyes are wide open. I see the world in a total different light and you know, I have moments where I want to shut my feelings down and drown myself in a bottle of Black Label. But will it help? No. Getting drunk always got me in trouble. I had good times, I cannot lie, but more often than not, I fought, I got angry, I cried, and I felt extremely sick and depressed. The liquor never helped me be a better person. I was mean. I acted irresponsibly. Even if behind the mask of a perfect life I pretended everything was fine, nothing was fine behind closed doors. I beat myself up, guilt trip after guilt trip, thinking my dead relationship with my ex-husband, the fight with my former girlfriend, and the bad experience with the co-worker who sexually took advantage of me while I was at my most vulnerable point were all my fault. Were they?
No, they weren’t. I had my share and the others had theirs. I can’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I need to focus on getting stronger, while not using substances to cope when I’m having a bad day. It’s okay to feel like crap sometimes. I’m human. It would be a shame to stop the train from running so soon, because I’m only at the dawn of my life.
So here it is. I’m gonna vent, I’m gonna whine, I’m gonna express myself every time I’m happy or sad, and things can only get better without all the booze in the world.
Goodbye Johnnie Walker Black. We had a crazy ride together, but it’s time for us to part ways, and hopefully, never meet again.