Note to Self (196) Break In

Sorry for being away. I had to take some serious time off. Find myself again. Look inside my soul and see the light that had been shining there all along. I had lost track of who I was. I wanted to carry so much, I didn’t realize the weight I had put on my shoulders was too much for me to hold. I broke down. Thought the worst. There was no exit, no love left, no redemption possible. I wanted to leave this world with everything I had created behind, my colors, my rainbow, my beautiful magic and my words… All would have disappeared because I felt alone and helpless.

I’m not alone. I’m loved. Life is difficult but is worth it. Why didn’t I realize it earlier? I’m just too overwhelmed with everything.

The loss of a marriage. The loss of a friendship. The loss of a shield I thought I had against everyone, and now I stand naked before all. But I can’t be ashamed of what I’ve become. I’ve learned to be the dragonfly of my dreams, the reborn creature that looks in the mirror and accepts her failures, her mistakes, and all the bad memories. If I was given the possibility to change anything in my life, I’d choose to change nothing. I take the good and the bad, and stare forward. The past shaped me, but didn’t make me forever. I have time to adjust, and to adapt. Some people will feel the change because the change is needed. No more hiding behind a bottle of alcohol. No more believing I can do it all alone. I am proud to say I have a problem, and I need help.

Yes, I had this problem all along. Depression. I’m a writer, a sensitive soul, and therefore prone to feeling down every once in a while. How down is my down? Pretty deep I shall say. Too deep sometimes. A mountain I can’t climb. A peak that laughs at me, and as darkness swallows me whole, grows bigger with every breath I take. There’s really no easy cure. Meds do the trick for a while, until I wake up and listen to the silence of my room, to find loneliness has become my best friend and my worst enemy. I have to stop isolating. I have to stop hanging out with people who drink because they’re too ashamed to admit they have a problem. I have to stop sleeping around. I have to focus on me. Act. Sing. Write. Talk. Talk some more. Talk until I can’t speak anymore, and then walk in the park and cry. Let the river flow, feel the world around me and smile. I know the journey has just begun, but what a journey.

I want to thank all the people who prayed for me, and the ones who worried. I’m still here and promise to work on myself very hard so I can be better.

Lastly, these words are for you: thank you for visiting me, thank you for buying me clothes, thank you for trusting your gut and not giving up on me. You’re a true friend. Not a back stabber. Not a liar. You are the reason why everything finally made sense. Love. Without this love, we are nothing. You were my light every day at six pm. You made this hour the best hour of the entire day.

And to all the ones I met while being secluded from the outside world, I want to say thank you for staying true to yourself. Mona, Liz, Hilda, Veronica, Reneydo: you made my stay worthwhile and I wish you all the very best. Bless you guys.

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