Note to Self (194) American Dream

I have a friend who’s older than me. He often gets depressed because he says his life serves no purpose. He goes to work, lives alone, and parties with his friends every weekend. Binge drinks. Forgets reality for a few hours before starting a new cycle and getting depressed again.

I keep saying we all have a purpose. But tonight I feel like my life is just a big failure too. My family’s too far away. So is my best friend. The rest of the people here – I care for them but I’m so lonely. After my fight with my former good friend, I got no one here. I celebrated the holidays alone, getting drunk, crying in my pillow I wanted the holidays to just go away and never come back.

I had a dream. I spent money on a masters of law to become a freaking office bitch. My aspirations stopped short when interview after interview I heard the same speech. So I compromised and took the fat paycheck because I felt guilty to be unemployed. My ex used to tell me to switch jobs, become more than what I was, so I could earn more and he could stop working. Just the tip of the bullshit iceberg.

My dream got crushed into a million pieces. I lost an awful marriage. Now I look at couples on the street and feel like shit. I want kids. Can’t raise any in this environment. Where’s the house, the pick up truck and the dog? Nowhere to be found. I shlep my ass to work, survive solely on writing. I got nothing else.

I’m not complaining. I know there are people worse than me out there. What saddens me is that I am thirty and I’ve accomplished nothing. I wasted years studying law and I’m no law lover. I listened to my father, too afraid of disappointing him. My dream was my escape. And now? I’m stuck.

My friend has a lot most people don’t have. He should be happy. But he’s not. I guess the grass is always greener. I just feel way too lonely for my own good. I hate this empty town. I hate these heartless people. I just want to disappear without a tear, without a trace, as if I had never existed.

My dream was a lie. I realized that tonight. And it breaks my heart.

5 thoughts on “Note to Self (194) American Dream

  1. Joni Ashley

    Your dream is a lie,my friend because the “American Dream” is based on reruns of some old TV show. This is no one’s reality. So change the channel and real dreams will come true!

    Reply
  2. AH

    Someone once said that the grass is always greener where you water it. As Muslims we learn that the more we are grateful the more we get.

    Reply
  3. Casie

    I often feel lonely too. My best friend moved away and though it’s not too far, we haven’t been close since. I am trying to be more social and am trying to meet new people to make new friends, but the thing with me is I often feel like I am different than everyone.

    Sometimes, not as often as before I get depressed and look at my life and look at those that are my age and realize they’ve accomplished so much and I wasted my life doing other things. I lived in an apartment all alone and it was good and bad with a number of OTHER THINGS. The first 6 months I was soooo lonely and eventually things looked up with the help of my brothers.

    Hang in there. I may not be in the same situation as you, but I understand loneliness and it’s tough. I am sorry you are going through a rough time.

    Reply

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