Note to Self (182) Introspection (more of it)

So here I am again. Dwelling on what I did right and what I did wrong.

Easy enough though. I never was a bad person. I’m a very nice chick actually. Always willing to help, always ready to be there and to give my trust. I don’t doubt anyone for their intentions, until I get stabbed in the back.

I had that problem in the past, already when I was a little girl. People would take advantage of me. They would abuse my kindness. I let them use me until I couldn’t take it anymore, and then I reacted with anger. They said I was a mean person. They said I was crazy.

But I’m not crazy. I react under extremely stressful situations. My anger is the outlet I use to let people know I have been hurt. I should react sooner, so I wouldn’t be so angry. My problem is that I absorb all the crap, let it cook for a while, and then explode.

I’m not perfect. No one is. I can’t tolerate hypocrites. I’m not good at playing games. When I got something to say, I say it.

The girlfriend who came to discuss the argument we had made the first step to fix a relationship that broke for a reason. She hurt me. I got angry, and I slipped by punching her in the face. Months and months and crap had accumulated, little things she did and said that pissed me off, but I remained silent because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Well look where it got me. I lost control and I became the bitch.

Same with my marriage. I got hurt, reacted with anger, and then got called crazy by my ex. No one can call me crazy. Especially not the people who break my trust over and over again.

I cried for nights and days, wondering if I really was the terrible person these people said I was. But then I prayed. I asked God to send me a sign. Let me know I was still on the right path.

And God showed me I wasn’t a terrible human being. I’m just too nice. Too sensitive. I get hurt and don’t want to tell anyone because I refuse to be a selfish brat, always focused on my suffering, but not caring about the rest of the world.

I won’t change who I am. I have to stay true to myself to be happy. So maybe I’ll lose more people who thought they could use me, but at least, I won’t forget what I’m made of.

Fuck the haters.

10 thoughts on “Note to Self (182) Introspection (more of it)

  1. jamieayres

    I turned to God for a sign in my life too and He answered me:-) All the odds and ends of life are like little leeches seeking to drain the life out of us. Placing our cares back in God’s capable hands are how we can battle back and recover joy. All of us have fallen short of the glory of God, but He still loves us and is in control.

    Reply
  2. Stephanie Reynolds

    So, I am a bit confused… Your first few write ups you seemed remorseful and felt bad about your behavior. Now I sense anger again. Angry at others for feeling a certain way. I think you need to talk about all these feeling with someone, someone that doesn’t know you. Perhaps a professional. You can be true to yourself, but perhaps there is something you need to change because this same behavior keeps repeating itself over and over. When someone does something that bothers you, you tell them, don’t keep it inside, it’s not selfish to talk about your feelings and tell someone they did something you didn’t like. Honestly is always good in a relationship and a friendship. If the person cares for you they will understand. It’s too bad you didn’t tell your friend all the things you say accumulated and then led to the anger and a punch in her face. Wow that’s intense! Honestly if I got punched in the face by a friend I probably would never talk to that person again. I am surprised she went to you to talk. That means she valued your friendship more than you think. Anyway… I really hope you sort things out…

    Reply
    1. themanicheans Post author

      She came back to talk but we are not friends anymore. She just wanted closure. I’m not mad at her, I’m mad at myself for not saying no sooner. And I am so not happy about the fact she called me crazy.

      You know I’m not perfect. I work hard on becoming a better person. And the anger has been there forever. It’s not something new to me. It’s my outlet. It’s my reaction when I get stressed out. It might sound weird to certain people, but seriously, I’m not the only out there who has a temper. I mean, the former girlfriend had a serious temper too!

      I regret acting violently. I should have stayed away. What happened is unfortunate, but I’m working on removing the people who cause me to feel that stressed out so I don’t get angry anymore.

      It’s a long process. Talking with a shrink – which I have done in the past – didn’t change anything. It emptied my wallet and gave me no support.

      I need to go through the journey alone. Find myself again. The divorce, and then this falling out, pushed me to the ground. I’ll feel better. Slowly but surely.

      Reply
  3. Stephanie Reynolds

    Not saying no sooner to what? To her friendship? Not sure what you mean? Do you really think she meant you are “crazy” I mean people say that term so loosely and I don’t think they really mean it. Well, it’s been said that everything happens for a reason and is a learning lesson. So don’t hold onto the anger and dwell on the past. Forgive and move on, you will be a happier person eventually. Ok, so maybe for you talking to a professional isn’t the way to go, but even if you did it doesn’t make you crazy. Also, I’m sorry that you aren’t friends with that person anymore, when she went to talk to you she didnt want to reconcile, just closure? Would you want to be again or is that chapter closed for good? This could help in the healing process as well, to be able to let go completely, or not?

    Reply
    1. themanicheans Post author

      Thanks Stephanie for your comments as always. I really appreciate your input. I’m moving on, and dwelling only lasts the time it takes me to understand what I did wrong exactly. And yes, I need to make changes. I need to learn how to temper myself down, and not let the pressure build up until I can’t take it anymore. I don’t think talking to a shrink would make me crazy, I’ve done it, but only having an hour to talk about things is not enough for me. That’s why I write. At least I can let go of my feelings in a much easier manner. But yeah, I should have showed her earlier that her behavior was hurting me. I tried. I worked on staying calm and composed, because I wanted to avoid a fight. We had a past of fighting. I couldn’t really absorb much more stress and anger. But I don’t want to be her friend anymore. Her friends are not my friends. I don’t want to go back to a status quo. Our split happened for a reason. It hurts, and I miss her friendship dearly, but just like my divorce, there were too many things that didn’t work out.

      That’s ok. The journey to recovery will be slow but I’m not alone.

      Thanks again for your thoughts.

      Reply
  4. Eri Nelson

    A very many years ago ( for as 40 comes this year I feel the age and must but my emphasis there…lol) I went through a few issues. As the road twisted and turned I sought out therapy. With misguided thoughts of fixes in mind I entered unknown terrain with a concept that I could change those in my life. Even thought that I could remove the unchangeable few from my path. However, as the wicked journey went on I learned that it was my perceptions that had to change. My dwells were my own. The things that only haunted me and I could not let go. They did not affect those who I felt had hurt me and admittedly those who had really not understand what they had done. For I had never said so. As time sank in and my pull from people became more apparent I grew an understanding. Moved out of my head and expressed my overwhelming weary. I expressed it by finding things that made me feel good. Selfish I know… but the thought of giving myself happiness was a foreign experience. Although when I was able to find that niche for myself other things became easier. I let go of my expectations and those who I felt only came when they needed something of me… As the days changed for me as they do when you are happy… those who came before now came because they wanted to be apart of my happiness.

    {{{HUGS}}}

    ~Eri~

    Reply
    1. themanicheans Post author

      Thanks Eri for your kind words. I’m at a time in my life where I feel the change too. Many people do. I don’t seek to cause pain, or create conflict. What happened was a wake up call. Time to stop bullshitting myself and make sure I take the time to know what truly makes me happy. Dwelling like you said leads nowhere. But changing my perception does. That’s what I’m trying to do now. If people don’t understand my state of mind, it means they don’t understand I’m growing.

      I’m turning 30. LOL Not old, but old enough to grow and learn from my mistakes. 🙂

      Reply
  5. Robert Adams (@RNAdams2)

    I can relate. I trust until someone gives me a reason not to, where most people do the opposite. I just think that people, as a whole, deserve it. So I get burned. A lot. But I also find that those who don’t take advantage of my trust are more trusting in return, and it’s worth it.

    I also bottle up my emotions. It’s like in the cartoons, when there’s so much junk in the closet that, when someone finally decides to open the door and take something out, it all explodes from the built-up pressure.

    Some things are integral to who you are, and some things can change without destroying your true identity. I decided to keep the trust thing–it can hurt a lot, but it defines me to a large extent. But I try, with mixed results, to ease the emotional pressure-cooker when I can.

    One of the places my trusting nature paid off was right after my first wife left me; I was shattered and felt betrayed, but I was somehow able to find myself in a group of six or seven other men from my church–strangers all of them–who were interested in being honest with each other. To this day, not one of them ever betrayed my trust in them, and I was able to talk to them freely with no fear whatsoever.

    Something like that might be a good alternative to a professional’s help, although it might be very difficult to find. Even one other person to whom you could relate and trust would make a world of difference.

    his comment has gone longer than I intended, but you can contact me if you’re not tired of my opinions yet. 😛

    Reply
    1. themanicheans Post author

      You know, I like to trust people. That defines me too. And makes me happy. I met some wonderful ppl thanks to my trusting abilities. To this day, I don’t regret trusting them.

      It was just a sad event. The whole friendship bullshit. So much crap and resentment went into this. Years of shit. Just ugly memories, frustration, the sentiment nothing would really change and move on.

      It broke for a reason. I will be fine. Writing and hearing the opinion of lots of ppl helps tremendously. I did something crappy, but one way or the other, the friendship would have broken. That’s a fact. Just like my marriage. It had to break.

      It’s alright. I’m not in a bad place. Just confused, because I’d hate to think I’m a bad person, which I am not. Emotions mess with me. I’d rather stay rational the whole time. Much easier to cope this way. 🙂

      Reply

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