Note to Self (172) Choice of Life

Many thoughts, many dreams tonight ask to come true. I stand on the road alone, not looking backwards. The fear, the pain, the unbearable moments where I question everything I do, they’re just there to stall me, not help me. I must follow my instinct.

Nothing can be achieved without necessary sacrifices. I made choices. Sometimes right, sometimes wrong, but the result doesn’t change. It won’t come easy. My success depends on my perseverance and determination.

I cannot waste time with bad feelings and regrets. The world has too much to offer. So I accept the price to pay. When I think of my childhood, I never was the popular girl. I never partied, or had a boyfriend. At sixteen I even wondered if I ever would kiss a boy. I always considered myself an anomaly – but I developed my character and made my uniqueness a quality.

These current times remind me of secondary school. Bullied, ridiculed, I told the classmates who looked down on me I’d be a star someday. They laughed at me. I didn’t care. I kept going.

I’m not the only one who’s been bullied, abused, or treated badly. We are so many suffering from the overbearing ego of certain individuals who truly believe they’re better than anyone else.

I’ve looked inside a bully’s heart. Most of the time, there’s really nothing to look at. Just a bunch of excuses, self esteem issues and emotional imbalance. I fought the ones who pushed me away.

There’s the memory of these two girls playing in the public pool. I wanted to make friends but they just ignored me. I must have been eight. I’ll always remember what one of the girls said when I asked why I couldn’t play with them. And she responded: because you’re lame. Funny to say that when she didn’t know me.

I can’t use these memories to feel sorry for myself. Instead, I feed from them to become stronger and a more independent individual. Does this make me a person difficult to reach out to? I don’t think so. But I’ve built a certain defense mechanism – which makes some people wonder if I feel anything after all. Ha, the sensitive soul being accused of not knowing what love is.

But that’s the only way I know not to get hurt. And yet, I’ve still gotten hurt.

It’s okay. These times shall pass. I’ve overcome much worse.

Keep going friend. Just keep going and everything will be fine.

It has to be.

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