This post is a sequel to my early post Break-Up, available here: https://themanicheans.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/note-to-self-159-break-up/
Friendships. Relationships. I see friends as lovers except they don’t share sex. Everything else is there though: trust, loyalty, respect. Without those, no friendship can exist.
I had many friends. But the really good ones? Barely a few. Especially the best ones. I remember the girls who loved me so much they’d jump off a bridge for me. And the next day, they despised my guts.
I’d say or do something they didn’t like, and here we went on the roller coaster of patching things up for one hour, one week, one month. The same patterns repeated as soon as I thought things were fine. Like a bad movie, drama filled up my life since a toddler.
So how much should I invest in a friendship? A few days ago, I wrote about losing a very good friend of three years. Many people asked me to make the first step and improve things between her and me. Sure I’m dealing with a lot of personal issues. I carry as much blame as my friend for starting a fight and throwing away years of happy memories.
But in cases like this one, the main question of how much is too much comes to mind. How much disrespect can I tolerate until it’s too late? How much time should I spend crying, screaming, arguing, trying to find a solution the other side will accept then toss away because they are drama queens and can’t get over their selfish ego?
My divorce was the same too. I worked hard at salvaging a relationship that didn’t grow in a healthy way. I suffered the consequences of being too kind, too trustworthy, too loving. I got trampled to the ground until nothing was left of me. And in the end? I had to move on.
Disrespect. The trigger of my dark side. The part of me I don’t want to unleash because I know the damage will be inevitable. Peace and quiet – that’s all I’m asking for. I don’t like to dwell on anger. I don’t feed on pain. Despite all my problems, I am a happy person. I love life. I love myself. Never would I want to hurt anyone.
But like an animal, once attacked by the one I love the most, I bite.
I’ve been subject to abuse in many forms. Verbal, physical, psychological. Confrontation won’t last long, because I’m going to show my dark side, and my dark side always takes the best of me. Compassion, love, and understanding disappear to be replaced by a cold and rational state of mind. I perceive drama as an infected limb that must be severed.
And I don’t care how many years I spent with the person. The break-up will always happen. Why take half measures and not go anywhere? I know the relationship I had with this friend won’t ever be the same after what happened between us. No forgiveness can repair the harm done. It’s too deep.
So I have to move on. That chapter is closed.
For now at least.