Note to Self (103) My Holiday Wishes

You know, holidays always bring back memories and bittersweet feelings I cannot ignore despite my hardest efforts to wash them away from my brain. They stick like super glue to the walls of my head, and I shake them but they create a big mush of craziness that ultimately prevents me from sleeping well and drives me totally insane. I love Christmas and I abhor it, I loathe buying gifts and I crave hugs and kisses, I write cards to friends, wish them a healthy new year and tons of good stuff! So why do I feel so down lately?

Well plenty of reasons. First, some people pissed me off. Girlfriends, guyfriends, relatives… If I start talking about my half-brother and half-sister who treat me like a stranger just because they’re jealous of me, girlfriends who act so selfishly they forgot about the rest of the world and think everything revolves around them, and guyfriends who consider me more like a sexual object than a person with a brain, only two words come to mind: F*** YOU. I go mad, I go nuts, I want to kick, punch, curse, spit in their face and tell them what I truly think of them all. They don’t deserve me. They don’t deserve my friendship, nor my time and my energy. They’re a mere dead end.

I hear Christmas tunes in every store I enter and I suddenly drift to my divorce, more garbage in my every day routine I need to take care of. Why do people who loved each other so dearly must jump at each other’s throats once they separate? Every divorce is different, yet I feel my break-ups have always been harsh and brutal, and I’ve been wandering on a battlefield for weeks, reloading my gun, firing rounds in the fog at a silhouette I thought was my ex, and it fuels my nightmares. I sometimes believe I see his face on the subway and I panic, I still dream about him and all the crap I went through, my move, my stressful year 2011, and all the little things that still bind me to him even if we don’t speak anymore. I keep the resentment of the fights we shared, I keep the ugliness of the war scars we inflicted on each other and I keep the hope that maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive him. So much to heal from. So much to do.

Christmas is all about love. Love I lost, love I gained, love I desperately seek and reject all at the same time… I’m going through a transition phase where all my markers are gone, and I need to find new ones, my life tied to a departing track that seems more beautiful than ever. I have to remind myself I almost reached the end of the tunnel.

I give thanks to the dear friends I made and who loved me unconditionally without asking anything in return. My road will be bright as long as I steer away from pain, hatred, and all the sadness that filled my life for so many years. I thank my readers, my supporters and all the anonymous souls who proved me I could write and make my childhood dream come true. I wish to never stop pouring words on paper, I wish to never kill the creative spark that burns inside my mind and I wish to never forget where I come from.

Whatever hurdle comes in my way, I’ll jump because I can’t go backwards. I need to run fast, steady and strong with one objective ahead: cherish my freedom. The rest never mattered. It’s only the beginning of a fabulous journey.

Keep the faith. 🙂

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