Note to Self (89) Friends

A thought keeps hitting me on the back of the head. A thought that annoys me, angers me, upsets me. I want to get rid of that feeling but it keeps coming back, nagging me. Nibbling then biting, eating my flesh, wanting my full attention.

I finally listen. Somebody’s been unfair to me. Who? A friend.

Friends. Weird animals that come into one’s life and make a difference. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. There are the temporary friends, who pass and go, and then the more permanent ones, that stay and evolve with you. Marriage is the union of two friends. Friendship triggers trust, dedication, commitment. If you really want to be part of someone’s life, you have to make certain sacrifices. Find time to hang out. Talk. Share secrets. Laugh.

Humans usually are social animals. Of course, I vent and I rant about living in an 8 million inhabitant megatown and how much I hate people. I see them everywhere, so much I run away from them. Still… At the end of the day when I come home, I wish I had a friend to confide into. A presence who told me I mattered.

While being alone is certainly fun, it gets dull after a while.

So here I am. Upset. More sad actually, than really concerned at this point. I made the cruel experience that certain people don’t like to stick around too much. They make you believe that they like you, they actually need you, and they’re thankful to have you in their lives. And then poof! Magic, they’re gone. No phone calls, no emails, no communication whatsoever.

I have one person in mind. Maybe that person’s reading this post right now. If that person even cares about spending the time to read my work anymore. Because a few months ago, I still thought that person cared. I still believed that we could walk into the writing world together, hand in hand, and share what needed to be shared. But just like magic, that person disappeared. First, I thought I was dreaming. Imagining things. No, it couldn’t be. We were friends. We wanted to enjoy this adventure together. We had projects. We had ambition as a team. Then the relationship slowly started to deteriorate. No fights. No arguments. Just nothing to share anymore. Belittling comments. Misunderstandings. Now… Complete silence. It feels like I’ve been left on the side of the road with my heavy suitcase, and I’m taking the train by myself. In a total opposite direction.

How crazy is that? As if the world suddenly started revolving counter-clockwise. I don’t know what to think. I’ve seen that too many times to even feel hurt by it. Yet, I still get hurt. What a fool I was to believe we could be friends. Real friends for life. Another temporary stop. Another failed undertaking at establishing a relationship that could last.

Friends. It’s like spending Christmas with my former in-laws. More often than not, they’re full of s***. I still find people who I trust. And begin a new journey with. So the road is never empty for too long.

In every cloud, there’s a silver lining. I just have to keep looking for it.

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