Note to Self (67) My pain and me

I’m sad, angry, in pain. I try to stay cool but deep inside I just want to break everything around me. My life feels like a house of cards ready to be swept away by my wrath. When will this hell be finally over?

I can’t cry… Not now, not ever. Don’t let them see that you’re weak. Oh how it hurts, it hurts so bad…

I loved you and you trampled my heart in the mud, leaving me breathless, helpless, alone. You forced me out with your words, and I left because I couldn’t take your screams anymore. You treated me like an inferior, and made me doubt myself. I begged you to forgive my hatred, and you spat your venom in my face. There was nothing to salvage the passion we shared. Everything turned to ash as soon as I walked out of our life.

I grabbed onto the sheets of the bed and I tore them until my fingers bled. We were over, and I still woke up thinking of you. Tell me why I still loved you enough to hate your guts? Tell me why I still loved you enough to miss you at night?

I feel so misunderstood, and nobody’s here to let me hold their hand like when I was a little kid and cried at the kindergarten gate because I thought my mum had left me forever on the first day of school. I’m a grown up now, and I have to experience the journey on my own this time.

You want to know something? I hate being alone. You were everything I had here. I tattooed my soul on my skin to cope with the pain of leaving that part of my life. I love my tattoos, and I feel better when I look at them, because they will be with me forever… to the contrary of you.

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