Note to Self (64) How did I fall in love with you?

How did I fall in love with you… I remember these times as if they were yesterday, when my heart burst with a passion that I was unable to tame, and feelings that grew bigger than me. I spent endless nights staring at the moon with a grin that never left my face, and all I did was think of you. You were with me every step of the way…

I’m a hopeless romantic. I can’t help it, I live to feel in love. I had my first huge crush when I was 13. It was the first day of class, and my girlfriend discreetly pointed at a guy who sat in a corner of the classroom, whispering in my ear: “He’s such a hottie. His name is Steve.” I pretended I didn’t find Steve as attractive as he was… Yeah… Sure. I sold my soul to the devil after Steve came into my life. I did his homework, played nice games with him so I’d deserve a bit of his attention. What did I get in return? Nothing. Not even a heartache… Nope. Nothing. I was so blindly in love I took it a step further and I realized my true potential. I simply loved for the sake of loving, just because it felt so good.

After Steve, came Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. That guy was untouchable. I fell in love with an idea, a beautiful idea that lived with me for eight years. I perfected my English, because I wanted to talk to Nick someday, and since Nick was American, well, I watched American movies so I’d know what to do once I’ll land in America. I was such a dork. I even copied the way he dressed… Yep. Love, love, love. How did I copy the way he dressed? I was 14 and I wore baggy pants with sneakers and very cute football jerseys. Yep! I looked fierce. Nobody thought I could pull it off, but I did! Nick left my life as soon as I actually talked to the guy and realized he was not the sharpest knife… Life. Ideas are so much stronger than reality.

I had crushes like everybody else, fancying somebody for a few days, then switching onto the next. Brains did not really matter, I just loved the looks. I never even thought of dating anybody. I just liked the feeling of being in love. It was so wonderful.

I smile when I think of how crazy it was to just hope and dream for days on end until my interest faded and picked something more pleasant to love. I never imagined myself getting married, or having babies. No. I just wanted to be in love. The same love I read about in books. The romantic, overwhelming love that would make me fly and feel invincible. The Romeo and Juliet love but without everybody dying at the end.

I remember being so much in love that I felt it grow for the person every day a little bit more. This was a wonderful thing to experience, and I wanted it to last forever.

I got married and everything became different. The love changed. The warm feeling slowly disappeared and got replaced with resentment. I started hating being in love. I forgot how it felt to be happy. It was weird, unexpected, and most certainly unwanted. How could such a beautiful feeling turn to indifference after a while? I really thought my heart had died.

And then, I remembered. I pictured everything the way it was supposed to be, and I smiled. The romantic in me wanted a new chance at falling in love, just because I missed it so much. Yes, I missed it. Maybe one day…. it will come back to me, exactly like in the stories I read when I was a teenager. Just the thought of it makes my heart beat faster, and I let my dreams take over, in a world where love is my life, and makes me happy forever. Yes, that would be really cool.

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