Note to Self (43) To my executioner

Placebo blasting in my earbuds, I listen to the lyrics of “Battle for the Sun”, and I drift. I let my mind wander into the cobwebs of my past, my eyes staring at a dot on the ceiling.

I will battle for the sun
And I won’t stop until I’m done
You are getting in the way
And I have nothing left to say

I will brush off all the dirt
And I will pretend it didn’t hurt
You are a black and heavy weight
And I will not participate

Dream brother, my killer, my lover
Dream brother, my killer, my lover

I will battle for the sun
‘Cause I have stared down the barrel of a gun
No falling
You are a cheap and nasty fake
And I am the bones you couldn’t break

Dream brother, my killer, my lover
Dream brother, my killer, my lover

Dream brother, my killer, my lover
Dream brother, my killer, my lover

Dream brother, my killer, my lover
Dream brother, my killer, my lover

I will battle for the sun

I think of you often, looking at the scars that you left on my skin. Your hatred was never enough, and you also had to share it with me. I was your victim, your prey, your tool and your toy, and you played until you wanted no more, like a cat insidiously digs her claws into the bird she just hunted for hours. You gave me no peace, you invaded my dreams, you controlled my life, telling me how to think, how to behave, and how to feel. I was a prisoner of your dementia, a pure soul smeared by the disgust you had for your own self. You pushed me back and forth like a dirty rag, ripping me to pieces, fixing me with glue that you knew would not stick anything together for very long.

You forced me to look into an already shattered mirror, accusing me of being the one who broke it in the first place. Your words, your lies, your empty promises were all you had to offer behind your shiny facade. You screamed I was the one who caused you hurt, when you were the one inflicting it to yourself. Misery loves company, and you decided to take me with you so I could witness your collapse. My heart burst out of anger at you, and I fought you, with my fists and my voice, until I was too exhausted to get back on my feet. You appeared in my nightmares, beguiling me into believing they were only beautiful dreams.

Oh how I cried for you, my beloved. How I howled for you, my jailer. I prayed until my lips sealed dry and I waited for an opportunity to escape. When you shoved me under your blade of horror, I struggled one last time, but I finally made it, back into the sunlight.

You were my dead weight, my burden, the rock that never moved me and never kept me in place, but you are long gone my love. You are forever forgotten for all the sins you committed. You, my executioner, the killer of my affection, are forever dead to me.

 

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